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| Rotten appleby Alejandro Robino Dirty Ass
Takes
place inside a bathroom (Black camera, a toilet faces the audience;
a toilet roll of paper on one side. Zenithal lighting), a very nervous
greyish man, wearing a suit, rehearses a conversation with someone he is
expecting to arrive at any moment.
GUTIERREZ:
Excuse
me for approching you like this, mister Fernández, but I needed to talk to you
very urgently because... because... Yes, I know your urgencies are far
more important than mine. Just take your time and proceed with what you
were doing... No, I mean...I’m not talking about this place, about doing the
things that have to be done in this place, sir. It wasn’t my intention being
rude…
He leans on the toilet and tries something else.
¡Mister
Fernández!, what a coincidence finding you
right here...Yes, I know it’s
your private bathroom but I just
walked past the door and I told myself: What an excellent opportunity to
shake hands with a friend…
Pause. His own words take him by surprise.
No, I mean, it’s not what you’re thinking...
He looks at his hands.
No,
please, don’t misinterpret me. I never intended to offend you saying what I
said… He washes his hands. He looks at himself in a mirror on the 4th.
wall and regains composure.
Hi
boss, how are you? I’m washing my hands... No, I’m not pretending I know
nothing about what’s happened. But you must
understand me! I have two kids at school and that means I have a great
amount of expenses. After all, it wasn’t such a big deal, at least not that
big to lead to such a scandal. I’ve found out that the World’s Health
Organization’s last reports show that the biggest cause for children
mortality, sir, are accidents… car
accidents. And here you have some more!
There are surveys performed in this country, showing that poliomyelitis has
almost been eradicated. No sir! The surveys aren’t from our ministry, no way.
I wouldn’t be bringing you that
kind of stuff if that were the case… They are trustworthy, I can assure you
that.Besides,
it is well known that the people
who live in the frontiers create their own defenses. They are far more
healthy... What happens is - even though you may find it queer- this country’s
frontier roads are disastrous. No, sir! It’s not our fault. Our
comrades from the National Routes’ Organism (“Vialidad Nacional”) work
hard enough, sir. If roads are like
they are, its due to the heritage of our opposition party.
No doubt about that. They are murderers, sir, I grant it. They are
responsible for the deaths of many, many children in car accidents in the
frontier. That’s the reason why such a high children mortality indicator
appears today in the front page of every newspaper, even though children are
much stronger out there. But you know how unkind the press can turn out to be.
They don’t discriminate, and we all happen
to become involved. Because getting
sick really, with all that fresh air they have, sir, they almost never
get sick. That’s the important thing about living outdoors… Especially for
the kids. And mine are also kids, after all. And they are sad very often, sir.
That’s why, with my mind
put only on them, in their need to enjoy a country house, like every other kid
does, sir, I distracted…No. I didn’t mean to use the word distract. I mean,
not the way you’re thinking, no. Not exactly that way. Just another way.
Because,
after all, to get distracted is a constitutional right, sir. Yes, don’t look
at me that way. My younger son told me so, he’s already in third grade, sir
and they make him – I mean - , we make them read the constitution. How are
they going to become honest citizens otherwise? It’s the law, it’s the
illustrious heritage from our distinguished seniors who forged our mother
country. And the constitution says, moreover!: it asserts, that recreation,
healthy recreation of course is a right. And if it doesn’t say so, it should
do so, sir. And when I take recreation, I get distracted sir. Look what happened to
me the other day when I was talking to this lady, the registry manager- during
break time, of course- and she suddenly turned round and when I stared at
that… That’s not my business, mister Fernández. I very well have it in
mind… or out of my mind… or however.
No,
sir. It has nothing to do with what we’re talking about. It was, as you would
put it, a very unsuitable comment. And now that I come to think of it, why is it
that I’m talking to you about the
lady that manages the registers? Ah! I probably got distracted. Yes, of course.
That’s what I was telling you, that I get distracted very often, you see? But
I swear I don’t do it on purpose, mister Fernández. No, I didn’t do it on
purpose. I mean, distracting away the money... You were the one who told me that
it was better to get the cash payed and send them the vaccines, than to send
them the money directly. Those province banks in the frontiers aren’t really
safe, mister Fernández. You said so during your speech, in the Fifth Ministry
Consultants’ Congress. A most
brilliant convincing argument! I managed to get the money of the check,
following the procedures that you have been following over the past years
yourself, sir… You managed to get so many cash from checks, that I thought I
wouldn’t be out of tune just getting this small amount of cash for myself,
just a little… But don’t worry, I’ve told you already:
I tend to get distracted very often. I tend to look the other way. Yes,
of course, when I take recreation, sir. No, I don’t mean to say
you kept the money each time a new consignement of…I never ever meant
to say something like that… What I did mean to say, is that upon each
consignement arrival, you changed cars. And with all that fuss about changing
cars, you didn’t have the time to be very punctilious. No, I know you’re
extremely punctilious, and if we don’t buy the most outstanding toilet paper
with a bulgarian design for you,
you send us back to change it, because you are the boss and you have every right
to...and...and I am no one and I
have no right to meddle with your private life, in your private bathroom;
I was just making a simple comment… I just walked by and I decided to tell
you that I think it’sjust fine you have it so well decorated. The boss needs to have a very comfortable place to…How can
I put it? …to get rid of his things with dignity. I mean...well, you know, sir.
You wouldn’t be able to get rid… of your excrements, in the bathroom
downstairs that’s all blocked up. No, I’m not complaining! I know the
toilet’s blocked up because there is one of the thirty four employees
downstairs, one of them, who throws away too much toilet paper. Yes, mister Fernández!
And then they dare come over and tell you that the two rolls of paper they get each month are not enough , and afterwards my
memorandums start missing, and that’s a much rougher type of paper! But since
it’s blocked up, sir, it turns
out to be a little bit more difficult to get rid of what… how can I put it…
what bothers you. That thing is crammed full of… of memorandums, sir. It’s
in one of those memorandums that I found out you had
requested the audit… No, sir. By no means do I meddle with matters that have nothing to do with my strict
operation area inside this organism. It was just a casual encounter, sir. Yes.
Casual, just so. I was trying to… well, I was in the bathroom downstairs
sir… I’ve already mentioned the few substructural
building problems it has. It’s incredible, the state in which our
opposition party’s left the country, is it not? If the viscera could
understand this too…! Everything would be a lot easier. But there are certain
things that cannot be done if one can’t relax and since sitting down is
already impossible, sir, I grasp the walls. No, it doesn’t bother me, sir.
It’s great exercise. The thing is, everybody does the same and the walls are
getting a bit slippery… I consider the audit necessary and more so if it’s
to be carried out by a friend of yours you
trust. That makes you feel better. But I wanted to ask you if you could
talk to your friend, about that little check that, well, was mislayed let’s
say… I know nothing in your division gets mislayed. I didn’t mean to say
that. What I’m trying to explain is that we are government state officials and
we can’t allow our children to receive just any type of education. I swear
that after paying the two St. Andrew’s(*1) school inscriptions and the
uniforms, I went out of money. Not even a little fluff to be found in my pocket.
What could I do? I’m not sending them to a public school… You’ve always
said it’s not correct and I swear I always share everything you say, mister
Fernández. I’m only following your example and… and I’m not trying to say
you don’t send over the medicine consignements, not at all. I’m well aware
you’re really concerned about the subject and I know about your long
conversations with the laboratories’ people.
In the end , one’s always recognized for that and I know you’re very
well respected and appreciated, because, otherwise, you wouldn’t be receiving
so many presents… Although I know they’re personal and that you receive them
because you’re so well appreciated, and I also know that you musn’t mistake
friendship for working responsibilties and you never do so sir, of course you
don’t… Because every
person in this ministry is aware of your unparalleled integrity, sir. That’s
something great to say about you, sir... and about me. I mean to say
that I’m not interfering with things that don’t concern me and
because I’m standing right over here holding your soap, because one hand
washes the other and both of them wash your face… it’s a way of putting it.
Yes, I know, it wasn’t a very briliant comment, sir. What I want to tell you
is, now that you’ve bought this yaught , it would be much wiser to pay
attention to your navigation classes instead of bothering about this insignificant stupid little check.
It’s just my advise, since going out sailing is no game and you could
have a very bad time if you don’t know very well what you’re doing.
In the least expected moment, a storm can arise and you have to bewell prepared
to face it. No sir. That about spending a very bad time was about the boat… I
don’t care how you made the money. I’m sure you must have obtained some good
financial backing, what with your charms… I have two sons, sir. And I have to
feed them because what with my wife’s salary, if she had to make it out all by
herself, we wouldn’t have enough… Our younger son would have to sell the
video game he wished for so much… My wife wouldn’t be able to go shopping
any longer, sir. Life would be a terrible disgrace. That’s why I dare beg you
to reconsider the audit... or talk to your friend… No sir, don’t misjudge
me. I’m only suggesting you something and in no way do I believe you have some
kind of participation over this
office’s control and inspection. If you think I was talking of that or about
any other way of cheating , I didn’t mean to disclose it, I mean I have no
evidence and that I’m sure you wouldn’t be capable of doing something of the
sort… Mister Fernández, if I’ve offended you with my words, I apologize,
I’m a bit nervous… and… and… And if you want me to tell you, I’ll
tell you: I kept the money! So what? But I won’t allow you to drown me
all by myself. OK, I assume it. I don’t know how to steal and... and I’ve
made a big piece of shit... Fernandez comes in with several files. He listens to the last sentence
and is surprised. .
FERNADEZ:
What
are you doing over here? GUTIERREZ:
Nothing. |
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E-mail: Arobino@argentores.org.ar Espacio cedido por ARGENTORES |